


memories of a man long gone

by KillMeNow



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Bondage, Daddy Kink, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gun Violence, Hand Jobs, I'm not sure yet, I'm sorry I love angst, Lingerie, M/M, Masturbation, Modern Setting, Multi, Oral Sex, Self Harm, Smut, Suicide, collaring, im always a slut for angst, potential major character death, to kill John or not to kill john
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 05:09:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8784361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KillMeNow/pseuds/KillMeNow
Summary: John is dying. And still, all he can think of is Alex. All he can think of is his beautiful love of his life who abandoned him. Even when he's dying and he can barely move, all he can think of is Alex. It's always been that way. Just Alex. That's the only person John wants right now. But he feels the same thing he did that day Alex left him. Pain.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> AN: I hope y'all enjoy this smutty angsty shitfest. I plan on updating 2 times every week. If you have any comments or suggestions or critiques, feel free to comment!

 

Was this how he was going to die?

  
Maybe.

  
As John laid there, thinking and bleeding, he recollected on his past. On what had gotten him here. Oh, Alexander. Would he ever see his darling before he inevitably died? He hadn't seen Alex in what seemed to be forever. Sure, it had only been a few months. But it felt like so, so, so much longer than a few months. He just wanted Alexander to come back to him and apologize. That's all he wanted. An apology. But if Alex came back and refused to apologize but wanted him back, well, John couldn't say if he'd agree to it or not.

That was a lie. He knew he'd say yes. He had never been able to say no to Alex, even when it meant John would be hurt.

He laughed bitterly. Even when he was lying on the ground, bleeding from a gunshot wound in has abdomin, he still could only think of Alex.

'A suiting end to this story.' He thought, blinking away the tears that threatened to spill. 

He hadn't cried over Alexander since the day he had left John. What day was that? Oh, how could he forget? February 13th. 

He felt a lurch in his stomach. Thinking about that day made him sick. He tried thinking of another day.

An earlier day.

A happier day.

 

_*************** _

 

The day was March 27th, 2007. 9 years ago. John was 14. His best friend, Alexander, was 15. The two discussed their futures all the time. Alex wanted to be a lawyer. It was a suiting career for the boy. Alex would argue with anything that moved, even if the person's opinion was similar to or exactly what he believed in. John would often be the topic of fights Alex got in. Alex seemed to think that John was a child and could not protect himself or speak for himself. That aggravated John more than a little, but for Alex to behave like that, John could tell he cared a lot about him. On the other hand, John wanted to be a surgeon. Wanted to save people and keep them from that icy hand of death. When John thought about his future, though, he wasn't sure if he'd ever live to see it. After his mother had died, his dad took out all his anger on John. He loved his siblings too much to die and let them be the source of Henry Laurens's anger. But, in reality, he wasn't sure how much he could take of this. 

His main concern and reason why he wasn't dead, selfishly enough, was Alexander. He couldn't leave Alex by himself in this cold world. It took Alex a while to open up to people. To let them in. John didn't want Alex to have one less of those people he could trust. Alex could _certainly_ fight for himself, that he has proven in many fights both over his own honor and johns, but John loved him too much to leave him. John was madly in love with Alex, actually. It was sickening the one-sided love that seemed to come from John when it came to Alex. Johns affections seemed obvious to anyone with eyes. Well, except Alex, that is.

It hurt John to know, or at least think, that Alex didn't love him back. But at the same time, he was glad. He was glad that he wouldn't have to deal with more beatings because he would potentiallay have a boyfriend. He was mainly glad, though, that he could "see" other people and get set up with girls he had no intention of ever talking to again without guilt. 

So when he made the mistake of telling Alex his parents were out for the night and forgetting he had mentioned it, it resulted in both the most happy and life-ruining moment in all 14 years of John Laurens existence. 

 

***********

 

" _Oh, Alex!_ "John mewledout, wrapping one hand around his cock and the other pumping the long 7 inch dildo in and out of his ass. 

 

He couldn't hear, over his own loud moans, Alex standing at the doorway, sputtering out obscenities at the sight before him. 

John Laurens truly was a sight. Laid on the bed, legs spread far apart, body sweaty and slick. Alexander was practically salivating, watching the boy he had been crushing on for so long give himself over to absolute pleasure and _moan Alex's name._ Dear god Alex wanted to walk over to John and fuck him into the mattress until John screamed hie name and would come messily onto the black and blue dotted sheets. Alex had never had an opportunity to savor johns body or his room, so he tried to absorb the sight of both  the bedroom and the boy who was sprawled across the bed.  

John suddenly froze and felt a lurch in his stomach as he heard a voice mutter quietly, "John?" 

John shot up, immediately covering himself with a blanket. He tried to see who it was- Oh. _Alexander_. 

"Alex.. It-It isn't what you think-" he sputtered out desperately. Alex got on the bed and crawled towards him, and took Johns cock in his hand. 

"Tell me no and I will stop anytime, okay, baby?" He asked, and John nodded weakly. He was mainly still in shock that _Alexander Hamilton was above him, with a hand on his dick._

John groaned. Alex moved his hand up and down, and thrust the dildo into him again. "Oh, Alex, Please! Faster!" He screamed, begging. Alex obliged, and moved the dildo farther up and moved it faster. It didn't take long for John to cum, Alex's hot breath in his ear sending him over the edge. He wrapped his legs around alex, and yawned. 

"You okay, sweetie?" Alexander asked, and John nodded, dazed. "I love you." Those words made John tense up. Had he meant to say that? As Alex bent down to kiss him, John could smell it on Alex's breath  

 

Alcohol.

***********

 

 

'Okay,' John thought, 'That wasn't the happiest memory to recollect..' He launched into another memory. Countless times of him and Alex loving eachother and being happy. 

And, well, when the darkness came and John passed out, it wasn't too ininvited anymore. 

***********

 

He woke up to tears. 

People were crying. He was so confused. Wasn't he dead? Had it not worked yet? He was so sure that his suicide attempt would have gone perfectly. Sure, shooting himself in the gut was not exactly the easiest way to go. But it was going to work- Right? 

Well, clearly not, seeing as the very reason he had put a bullet in himself was standing right next to his bed. 

 

 

 _Alexander_. 


	2. Chapter 2

John felt a tear fall onto him. 

"Did you do this to yourself, John? Why? Was it me? I-I.. I told you it was just a break, John. We just needed some time apart." Said Alex, And that made John scoff. 

"Just a break my ass. I saw you fucking that woman in our bed, Alex. I'm not a fucking idiot, even if that's what you think of me." Replied John, his voice hardened. He knew if he was anything but harsh and bitter and cruel he'd cry and end up crawling back to Alex. That wasn't going to be happening if he could do anything about it. Sure, he loved Alexander with all of his heart. But he didn't know, at this point, if Alex even _cared_. Maybe he had never cared. That would certainly make hating him less painful and less like a stab deep in his chest. God, he wished he could hate Alex. He wished it with all of his heart. But he just.. Couldn't. Even though Alex had cheated on him, he still couldn't find it in his pathetic excuse of a heart to hate Alex. _Alex had cheated on him_. At one point, those words would make him defensive. It had only been speculation from Herc. But when he came home one day and found Alexander with that girl below him in _their bed_ , it stopped being theory and just plain fact. And that.. The very fact that he had seen Alex kissing a person who wasn't him, that he had seen Alex **fucking** another person that wasn't him.. Well, to say it had been a small factor in his attempted suicide would far be an underestimation.

"John, I love you!" And those words fucking broke John's heart. Alex didn't love him. He never had. What was Alex even trying to do, now? He would not accept the pity of someone as disgusting and awful as Alexander.

 "Don't lie to me, Alexander." John managed to choke out, his voice trembling. 'Pathetic.' John thought, his internal self even judging him. He couldn't bare to look at Alex, fearing the look of pity and hate he'd see on his face. Maybe John needed to move on. Forgive.

That was a hell of a lot easier said than done. Especially when Alex was- well, Alex.

"John, I do love you. I hate to see you like this. Why would you do this to yourself, Honey?" The pet-name brings back suppressed memories, the days he and Alex had spent together just being calm and happy. God, he wished he could go back to the days where everything was happy. He wished he could just.. Forget that he had ever seen Alexander with the girl. Then he could have continued on in ignorant bliss. At least then he'd be with Alexander. He'd be happy. They'd be married like they had planned and it would be beautiful. There would be roses and Alex would look as beautiful as ever and-

_'John, get it together. He doesn't fucking want you anymore.'_

John let out a shaky breath. "Alexander, Please stop. Wanna know why I did this, _Honey?_ " That had sounded meaner than he had wanted it to. "Not just because of you, you narcissistic asshole. Because of everything. I've had so much guilt from my dead for coming out as gay. I don't want to have to feel ashamed of who I am, Alex. And you never realized that. You flaunted our relationship even after I repeatedly told you not to and that it made me uncomfortable. Whenever you got angry, I felt afraid. I knew you wouldn't ever hurt me physically. But do you realize how much you've hurt me _mentally?_ How much it hurt to hear the awful things you'd say whenever you were angry? Because I was usually the nearest person, you took your relentless anger out on me. And that hurt, Alex. It hurt to have a boyfriend who never showed he cared. Did you ever even love me? Or were you just there for the sex? Don't worry, you don't need to lie, I know the answer." And Alex's momentary stunned silence said everything John needed to know. 

Alex frowned, his expression hardening. "God, if you had shot yourself in the head, at least I wouldn't have to hear you whine nonstop-" He was cut off. 

"Alexander, I think it's time for you to go." Oh. Hercules was here? And Laf? John hadn't noticed them- Wait, since when was he in a hospital..? He watched helplessly as Alex was dragged away. John sobbed feebly into the blanket. 


End file.
